Sweet Perfection

My Journey

My story begins like many.  In my 20’s and 30’s I prioritized my career—I was a corporate litigator and then transitoned into being a life coach, Feldenkrais practitioner and Qigong teacher. I focused on helping people find their purpose and passion in life. Around my 38th birthday, I started realizing that my time might be running out to have the traditional family dream with 2.5 kids, Mr. Right and the white picket fence. I started contemplate whether to start a family as a single mother. 

Like many, it took me several years to decide whether I wanted to take the plunge. By 41, I was ready to make the move, but I was already facing very high FSH (23.5) and even worse AMH (.016).  Instead of accepting the fate laid out by Western Medicine, which told me to go straight to an egg donor, I turned to what I knew best: alternative and complimentary medicine.  I learned everything possible about my body, I followed the advice of naturopaths, acupuncturists, Qigong masters and every other alternative practitioner with an opinion. I used my Qigong and Feldenrais training on how to be truly present with the body to try to turn things around.  With all this knowledge, I tracked every symptom known to man (or woman rather) and tried several unsuccessful and frustrating IUI's. 

Before giving up, I turned to a more traditional route of a reproductive endocrinologist with even less success.  Even with Clomid and other hyperstimulating drugs, I was no longer ovulating and to add insult to injury, I was developing ovarian cysts from the medications.  After a tumultuous year of effort, I had to face the fact that if I wanted to get pregnant I needed to use an egg donor.  

At first I was devastated, but the year of trying to get pregnant had forced me to come to terms with many aspects of my fertility.  I have a rich spiritual practice through my Qigong and coaching practices based in Taoism and Buddhism that helped me deal with my feelings of failure and allowed me to cope with the constant hope and resulting disappointment and devastation.  

I quickly realized that using an egg donor in the US was an expensive proposition. And the experience I had with the fertility clinic was incredibly unsatisfactory, making me very reluctant to give them a minumum of $40K. I started exploring egg donors abroad. I eventually went to Mexico, combining an amazing vacation in Tulum with getting pregnant.  It worked on the first try!   

Throughout my entire journey, I delved deeply into the emotional and spiritual aspects of the struggle.  And, in the end, it enabled me to use an egg donor without a lot of internal strife. 

I gave birth to my son in April 2014. The beautiful and surprising part is that although he shares no genes with me or a partner, he feels like the perfect baby for me.  And, he feels 100% mine—whatever that means.  I’ve never once questioned my love and devotion to him. 

 I’ve come to believe that we all end up with the baby we are meant to have—call it spirit or whatever you like.   Once you have yoru baby, whether by adoption, surrogacy, egg donor or even egg and sperm donor, or donor embryo, you will not question your choice or the love you have for that child. 

I want everyone who desires a child to be able to find their unique path to parenthood and family building.  It can be scary, lonely and fraught with intentional ups and downs. Contact me so I can help you explore your options with courage and openness. Together, I can help you explore the emotional aspects and logisitcal details of various choices so you can realize your dream to motherhood. 

© Choice Mama Baby Project 2013